I have an interview tomorrow evening. It is for a job that I would never have ever thought to apply to when I first started college. Hell, I would never have applied for this position a few months ago when my sixth semester started. But then suddenly, out of nowhere, I applied for the job and am now praying so hard so that I get it. And as I was praying, a question popped up: what changed? Why do I want this job so bad?

I think it was because I just finished my internship at a place that I have envisioned myself in for ages. It was a nice working experience. I got to meet and learn from new people, all of who were amazing in their own ways. I got to sit-in in global meetings, seeing the real fragments that build the world. All in all, I had a wonderful time at my old job. But, a part of me wondered if this is the life that I wanted to labour in until the day I retire.

I was scared to answer my own question. But I knew it needed answering. So I then decided I have to find jobs in different sectors to know what I truly want in life. And that is how I am here now, learning about a career sector a day before the big interview, hoping to God that she remembers everything she needs to remember.

And as I was studying, I took the time to search for other jobs in case I get rejected out of this one (I have been rejected from 13 jobs. I hope the number stays put.) And as I was searching, I realized that it is so hard for me to find a job if I have never had experience in that field.

Of course, this is a given. Companies would love to have people with certain skills and specializations to do their tasks. If not, they are paying the wages of a person who might sabotage their entire operation (which is hilarious because all of my internships have been unpaid).

I then got sick of this reality. I became upset. Because I am just a 20-year-old from a dodgy university, who has no idea what she wants to do in life. I do not know what I want to do, where I want to go, who I truly am. And somehow, the world expects me to create this meticulous portfolio that follows a specified pattern just so that I seem much more credible for a job that I might not even want . Of course, this leads to the next question of what job do I actually want. But that’s the thing; I don’t know! That’s the whole point of applying to many places: to know what I like and what I want in life.

But how am I going to diversify my jobs if no one lets me?

I think that this is just my frustration talking. I might not feel this way tomorrow when all of my stress dissipates. But I still think it's a sad reality. I am a college student forced to strategically choose positions and jobs just to seem credible for whatever formal job I want in the future.

Growing up is getting so tiring, and I am so scared of whatever is coming next. But I guess I just have to hold on and hope that the universe stays kind to me.

she wears her heart on her sleeves