It has been one month.
One month
since I cowardly ran away to a foreign country and decided to let go of all of my responsibilities.
It has been one month, and, truth be told, I have never been happier.
I am finally learning courses that my heart longs for. That mad idea of learning about philosophy, religion, and literature; I am doing just that. The dream of living in some timid city in Europe, enclosed in a small apartment with blue hues littered with books of ancient civilisation and mysticism (a dream that I yearned for in this post), I am doing precisely that. The bottom line is, I fucking did it.
I feel like I have done enough. But, I still feel like I could do more.
I don’t have any foreign friends. I have only been hanging out with my Indonesian friends throughout the month. I haven’t gone to a party. All I do is join some random international get-togethers. But, I never seem to throw myself out there and have pure and utter fun.
I know that I have to do something about this. I don’t want to go home and regret not making the most of it. I don’t want to dive into another cycle of self-hate just because I chose not to challenge myself and actually live.
I don’t know what I am waiting for. I feel like I still have this idealised image of what I want my life to look like. And I don’t think I’m ready to face the reality that I might hate the ending. My naive brain wants to believe that I am capable of moulding my depiction of reality. I know I can’t. Not like this, at least.
During class, the professor quoted a French idea. It says something along the lines of, “You have to understand that you’re not infinite, that you will die, that you are limited and finite. You will have to suffer, no matter what.”
It was something that I didn’t want to accept. I don’t want to admit that I am finite. I don’t want to accept the thought that I wouldn’t get everything that I want. Call me spoiled, but if I can fight for it, then maybe I can still fight for that idyllic future that I want. Either way, I don’t want to let loose. I still need a grip on the reins.
I know it’s wrong. I know that I am nobody and that there’s too much at stake, but there’s a lot more that is not. Maybe life would be better if I stopped thinking about the next step and just enjoy the moment.
I don’t know where I am going with this entry. All I know is that I may be very, very happy now. But, I know that there is a bigger chance of me regretting so many things after this. I need to get my shit together, and I need to let loose.
I need to realise that I am growing up and that escapades like this will not always be on the table.
Let’s just hope the next entry showcases a much more positive development from yours truly.
Leuven, 18 October 2021
